When I left Wisconsin for Maryland, I left because I had to reignite a flame. In retrospect, I used graduate school to get away from my family. When I left California for Wisconsin, I left for a better future. The hardest thing about starting over is the ever-present ghosts of past behavior, old friends, relationships, and illusions. You've pulled away and hid behind whatever was going on in your life. Through your silence, your busy schedule, you got to pull away and make me feel like the crazy. But really why should I? To fit the narrative of a "buzzing missile looking for a garden," what's the point to it all? You've disrespected our friendship by never acknowledging that you were wrong to say that you loved me or that you wanted to set up a household together. I've thought that perhaps I should be "respectful of our friendship" and talk it about it. I don't want to pretend that it doesn't hurt that you don't think about me or even take me into consideration - when I am always thinking about you, wondering about you, worrying. I don't want to pretend that it doesn't hurt to read about your day, to know that I am not a part of it. I have no desire to go on pretending that it doesn't hurt. There's no point in pretending that we could ever go back to yesterday. There is no point in me attempting to fill you in on my day or life. Instead I got: "I don't love you," "I won't even tell you next time I am in D.C.", "I told you so." I have no idea why you went to Paris - to complete "an obligation"? Out of duty and not love or interest or anything that made it special for you? I just wanted honestly, because that was all we ever really had.īut at the end of the day, you weren't there when I needed you when I learned about the growth, you weren't there when I needed you during surgery, you weren't there when I needed encouragement or guidance. I felt free to express my love for you and you were away from the clutter of your life to take an interest in me. Oddly enough, your tour was the closest we ever were. You never cared about me, never asked about me, my interests, my desires, my family, you feelings. You never cared enough for me to make it happen. I wanted to make a lovely home with you, to make you happy, to create a tight circle of friends, to make joyful memories, to travel, to love you. With or without the idea of Baby Elizabeth, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You never cared enough to make me a priority. I've waited - hoping that when "the war was over," when you were done with your studies, when you came back from Japan, I've waited for you to act on that beautiful sentence you once uttered. I listened to your stories, your interest, your everything, I reached out to hold your hand and, like that final dinner in Paris, you pulled away as soon as my hand touched your's across the dinner table. For three years, I've publicly accepted what I've always been afraid to admit to myself: I found you truly fascinating and couldn't get enough of you. Three years ago, you uttered the words that I so wanted to hear but was afraid to accept for the fear of this very moment. I have loved you since before I knew I loved you. There is no doubt that this is the end or, to quote you, "I am dead to you." Without drama or a word, but with great sadness, I "unfriended" you. Bouts of fear - of my potential? hurt by loved ones?.Have running options: sligo creek & buddy park.Have a good track record of improving life :).Confident that I can change current situation.I am done putting men's feelings and needs/egos ahead of mine. It's unfortunate that it took freakin' three years for me accept that realization. Perhaps, I was a bee looking for a garden to land - J, unfortunately, was the jerk disguised as a nice guy. I was finally beginning to feel good about myself and life - when ideas and romantic illusions got the best of me. I stopped running shortly after starting Extension, seeing Terry, and falling in love with an idea of a person. What the hell happened and how in the world did I end up here?! Rediscovering this blog has been a cold slap in the face.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |